Lessons from an unstable life
The last eight years have been unstable for me. Ten years ago, I felt the Lord calling me to step out, to preach, teach, and lead in ways I had never dreamed of. I immediately began to study. I saw the distance between where I was and what the Lord was calling me to, so I put all my free time into working towards my degree in Biblical Studies. Eight years ago, I quit my steady full-time job, sold my house, and surrendered everything to follow Him. And for the last year in particular, I have lived out of a suitcase, stayed in 25 different places and had zero stability, schedule, or regular income. Just now I have returned to a regular schedule, a safe home, and a steady income. To say I have a bit of mental and emotional whiplash is an understatement!
As I process these shifts in my life, I’ve noticed a few things. A few lessons I learned, and I’m writing this as much for myself as I am for you - hard fought for nuggets of wisdom that I don’t want to lose. If I’m going to learn something the hard way, I want to share the cheat code so the people around me can learn it the easy way!
Freedom from material goods
As I moved into my new apartment a few weeks ago, I found an incredible resistance to buying and owning anything. A distaste and disinterest in collecting anything, even things I need. There are so many things we need to set up a home, necessary for daily life. Toilet paper and vacuums and lamps and salt and pepper. Things, endless things. I hated buying them. Not spending the money really or taking the time to shop, but the owning of them. I don’t want to own things. Now you could argue that this is a touch of PTSD, the result of living out of a suitcase and having to bring all my things with me everywhere, and maybe it is a bit of a trauma response. A few of the events contributing to this would be the time in 2020 when I was moving internationally with all my belongings packed into my car, then said car caught on fire at the summit of the Coquihalla. The other one would be when my most prized possessions (my Bible, my notes from an entire year of ministry school, and my wallet with all my id and hundreds of dollars) was stolen while I was ministering at a crusade event.
But I am a woman who lives by Romans 8:28, which means two things can be true at once - I can have experienced some trauma and negative effects, and God can use it for my good. So here’s the gift in it: the detachment from any and all material goods. I’ve always been a person who likes expensive things. I can pick out the most expensive item in a store with no price tags and choose the priciest wine in a blind taste test every time. And I haven’t lost that. I still love beautiful things and have a high value for excellence. I just am detached from them; I’m not tied to them in any way. There is no material good I could lose today that would destroy me. It would be a negative experience, but it wouldn’t wreck me. This I know for sure, and it is such a freeing gift.
Embracing Discomfort
Again, not really a fun lesson to learn. I’ve been uncomfortable for a lot of the last 8 years. I didn’t realize how much I was finding comfort in earthly things. Small things, not innately bad, and some necessary for life. Food, shelter, familiar people and familiar places. Particularly in the west, we are the most comfortable generation that has ever walked the earth - so many small conveniences available to achieve an automated life. But if God calls Himself the Comforter, is it wrong for us to look to these small comforts? I have tested this theory and can tell you that yes, we do miss out by engaging small comforts. This past year I have gone without - and please understand, I am no Mother Theresa, I recognize there are many saintly people who give their lives to serve others. I have been uncomfortable in very safe ways, and not for any great cause other than following God’s leading the best I can. Even so, my small discomforts have led me to the great Comforter, the stark reality of having no other thing to turn to or fill me, means that the Holy Spirit got to be for me something that He could not otherwise be. My Comfort. And this was a gift.
It is tempting to turn to extreme asceticism, a complete self-denial. As I see how quickly I adapt to my environment and return to my small comforts, I have wept over what being comfortable robs me of. But asceticism is not the answer, instead I pray that God will allow me to remember the gift of His comfort that is available even though I still have small comforts, and cultivate gratitude and acknowledgment as I do. I am also implementing a regular rhythm of fasting to remember my weakness and His greatness.
Surrendering Clarity
Many a time people have asked me “what are you doing with your life”. And I know that for those who were bold enough to ask, there are probably many more conversations behind my back discussing my foolishness as I make illogical decisions. As long as I can remember, I have been following the Lord but it has usually been with clarity. He has told me to make certain choices or moves, and I have said yes, counting the cost. But for the past year, I have been following Him without clarity. Trying to just do the next right thing, not knowing where it will lead me. And here’s what I learned - that clarity in itself was a thing I found comfort in rather than the Lord Himself. I learned that He is still worth following even when the path is not clear, when there is no great vision He is leading me with. I had to surrender clarity itself and found that Jesus is still worth following.
I imagine that every season will not be the same, and I pray that He will help me hold onto this truth, that even when He does give great vision and direction, I can surrender that clarity and enjoy Him in it.
In Conclusion
I’m sure there are many more things that I have learned in the past year, and I pray that God will continually be shaping and teaching me. And I’m sure you have your own experiences where God has taught you something similar, where you have learned to look to Him in challenging circumstances and rely on Him for your needs. I am walking away from the past year with a deep conviction that the Holy Spirit is near, available, and powerful. And I’m convinced that is the greatest gift we can receive. After all, “it is the chief end of man to glorify God and enjoy Him forever”.
